A Boyfriend Assessment for the Holiday Season

My friend Ashley just started dating a new guy and they're so cheesy and obnoxiously happy that I really want to vomit.  Good relationships don't actually exist, do they? As a friend with her best interest at heart, I feel that for me to approve of this rainbows and unicorns kind of happiness I must know a few things about this Spencer guy.  I'm meeting him Saturday, and I feel that it is only right that I send him a pre-meeting assessment to see if he makes the cut.  So, for those of you meeting your friend/daughter/sister's boyfriends over the Thanksgiving holiday, feel free to use my e-mail to Spencer as a guideline.  See below:

Hello Spencer, 

I hear you will be attending my birthday celebration on Saturday and it has come to my attention that you have not yet received my blessing or seal of approval, and you have also not yet been e-verified.  This is a problem.  Ashley's happiness is important to me as she is 1. a great friend and as 2. I live vicariously through her love life because I tend to hang out with my pet fish on the regular.

So, if you would like to continue in peace on Saturday, I am asking that you fill out this simple questionnaire so that I may assess your authenticity and worth.

[Please note that while a background check is not required, at any moment I feel suspicious of your cookie baking abilities, I have a couple of cop friends in Durham who will look you up at a moment's notice.  Please don't make me do this.]

1.  How do you feel about the State Fair?
2.  Have you ever owned a pair of Crocs?
     2b.  Have you ever owned a pair of light up shoes? 
3.  Who is your favorite superhero?
4.  Do you own anything with Velcro on it?
5.  If I gave you duct tape, chapstick, a desk fan and a purple rabbit's foot, what would you do with it?
6.  Peeta or Gale?
7.  Have you ever tried to high five a blind man?
8.  How often do you text Ashley from the toilet? Don't lie.
9.  Do you take selfies? If so, on average, how many a week?
10.  Waffle House, or Ihop?
11.  (11 has been omitted for public viewing and blog purposes, but know that it was a vital question)
12.  Do you ever lick your plate?
13.  If you had to choose between NC State, Duke or Carolina who is your pick?
14.  Do you like volcanoes?
15.  What are your intentions with Ashley Noelle Raymer? 

Good luck on the assessment and on meeting the family.  All answers will be considered fairly and I will give you a score.  Each question is worth 2 points. 

1-5 points: You are not welcome to date Ashley anymore OR come to my party.
5-8 points:  You can date Ashley, but you are not welcome at my party.
8-15 points:  I'm on the fence, but you're welcome at the party.
15-20 points:  You have potential.
20-30 points:  I approve, see you Saturday and you must be pretty great so bring a friend for me.

Lori Crabtree

Tis the season for love.  Make sure your loved ones are dating someone worthy. ;)


  1. I am Ashley Noelle Raymer, and I approve this assessment.


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